Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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