Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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