Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
