JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
