dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
