Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
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i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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