So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize
