My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Sober January is a disaster.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
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i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner