All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
