Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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