he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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