I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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