When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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