Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
