on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
she told me i tasted like america
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
