I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
