before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
