somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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