Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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