My balls are so social today.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
