I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
