Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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