just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
