I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
