did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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