look no pants
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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