made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
