I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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