Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
