I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
