my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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