I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
