Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
