Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
