his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
