My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
