I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
