guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
