tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
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So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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