the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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