Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
