even my farts smell like vagina
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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