how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
