He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
