Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
