It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
