DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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