i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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