she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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