this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
