if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.