last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
