Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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