never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
