I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
My liver just had a heart attack.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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