I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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