just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I have already put on my inside pants.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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